.child .psychology 101

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note: this is meant to be a joke and taken very lightly. the point is to mock the gross stereotypes the youth is labeled by media and propaganda.
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Does your child wear baggy hip-hop clothing and listen to rap music?
Your child smokes crack.

Does your child wear tie-dyed t-shirts and listen to The Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic or Government Mule?
Your child smokes pot and takes LSD.

Does your child listen to The Velvet Underground or Nirvana?
Definitely heroin. If no track marks are evident, he or she shoots it under his toenails or eyelids.

Does your child listen to heavy metal music?
Methamphetamine.

Does your child listen to the blues?
Your child shot a man in Memphis.

Does your child listen to Marilyn Manson?
Your child worships The Devil and fucks dead kittens (unless your child is a girl, in which case she fucks live dobermans).

Does your child listen to techno dance music?
Ecstasy and ketamine again. That this was left out of the PSA described above is a huge disservice to paranoid parents.

Does your child wear ripped clothing, dye their hair funny colors and listen to punk rock?
Your child sniffs butyl nitrate and is probably bisexual, unless they are just a poseur.

Is your child a high-school cheerleader or football player?
You have nothing to worry about. Your child is a good old fashioned red blooded American alcoholic.

Does your child listen to 1940’s swing music by black bandleaders?
Your child smokes marijuana, but spells it “marihuana”.

Does your child lift weights?
Duh!! Steroids!! If your daughter lifts weights she probably also wolfs muff.

Is your child a teen starlet?
She smokes cigarettes and snorts cocaine.

Does your child wear Wranglers jeans, shirts with snap buttons and listen to country and/or western music?
Again, nothing to worry about. It’s only beer and Jack Daniels.

Does your teenage daughter spend much of her free time at the mall?
Your daughter sucks cock for money.

Does your teenage son spend much of his free time at the mall?
Your son sucks cock for free.

Does your child listen to Christian rock?
Your child is an idiot. They also have no taste and no friends.

Would your child rather spend time on the internet than watching TV?
This is huge. The best you can hope for is that your child is a geek. Other signs of geekdom include reading when not required to (especially science fiction), Monty Python and Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons is also a sure sign of Satanism, so seek immediate religious counseling and possibly exorcism.

If internet use is high but no symptoms of geekdom exist, there is only one other possibility. Your child is meeting middle-aged men in chat rooms then meeting them at the mall to have sex with them.

Does your teen seem nervous around the opposite sex?
Your child is homosexual.