My First Euthanasia

Today is only Monday, and I had to put down my first animal. I work at an animal clinic, basically as a paid intern to fill up my external-work for my Veterinary Medicine degree.

Although I realize that animals do pass on eventually, it's just hard looking in at them and knowing today is their last day to live. A lot of these animals are put down here because animal sanctuaries don't have enough room to store them and neither do we, as we house our injured animals in the same stall area. We do offer adoption services, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

Today though, I had to give my first euthanasia treatment to an Old Engl Mastiff. Anyone who knows Mastiffs or these kind knows they are one of the sweetest dogs someone can find, it is in the Old Engl. temperment. He was a stray that got hit by a car, and we removed his back right leg because the joints could not be pushed back into place.

However, the dog was too shy and did not take kindly to the fake arm we use to assess whether the animal is adoptable or not. He didn't pass, too timid and got aggressive when we attempted to remove his food dish or pet him while he was eating. Normally we would have been able to put him in a home with no small children and an explained situation, but our clinic is just too full. None of the animal sanctuaries or societies had enough room either and all of their temp homes were full or unavaliable.

So today I put this dog down. It was so heartbreaking. Over the time the dog has been at our clinic, I have gotten to bond with him. I tried to opt for adoption, but I already have a small dog I am doing a temporary keep for who was in the same situation, but a puppy. A real life, hardly lived his life puppy. It just hurts to know that this dog doesn't NEED to be put down. He was not in critical condition, he was not in pain, he just had no home...

I felt sincerely inadequate today. Not because I can't do the work, though, which is the hardest part. With work, you learn it, you practice it, you know it. Some people have a natural knack for it, some don't, but the ones that don't can still acquire skill. It was not that at all, it was me breaking down over this poor dog. If I want to continue to go through with my vet training, I am going to have to be able to put this aside and accept it. Instead, I had a panic attack, had to step out and then promptly take some of my anti anxiety medication...

(I have panic attacks, which for anyone who doesn't know, is a biological disorder and is uncurable, though can be put into remission and handled).

I guess it is the nature of the work, but I can't help but feel horrible thinking about what that poor dog has been through, and knowing it is all over for him now as well as knowing that I am going to have to overcome such obstacles.