Update on my psyche...

Well, I don't know how to put I am now...I just type a whole blog, but I don't feel anyone who reads it could truly understand what I have to say, and I don't think you'll judge me, but a lot of people develop thoughts about me because they cannot understand my spiritual ways, and what I believe on that subject.so I'll sum it up, I'm doing semi-not-okayish...I'm okay in the fact I'm not spending every waking moment being a hermit in the corner keeping to myself, but bad in the sense, that I'm fucking being torn apart inside...And I can't stop anything, I can't change anything... Ever since I broke up with Steffany about a month ago (we were dating 2 years and deeply in love, and still kinda are, but shit is complicated), I've felt like I'm slowly withering away out of existence...Not only am I leaving the plane of existence piece by piece, but it's like, doesn't anyone even notice? Can anyone even see the pain I'm suppressing when they make eye contact?Or the killer question, is anyone even looking? No, they aren't, but I'm become okay with that, I don't need you, I don't need her, I don't need anybody in this world, because I am who I am, and I am only responsible for myself, so I don't expect, nor want, anyone else asking me if I'm fine and trying to help me feel better, but I guess in the same way, it's kinda saddening that no one is... Like I prolly WON'T open up to you, and your opinions probably WON'T help me in any way, but when you go long enough through time, and see that no one is trying, it's just kinda saddening...It's like... If I were to step outside and die in some freak accident, I know people would know, and some would be saddened, but what would I honestly leave behind? Who would remember in a month? In a year? I would just be that guy that did this, and eventually forgotten...It's like... Okay, I was in a serious car accident a while back, and I escaped with a permanent disability, but I was the only survivor...I think the reason I am the way I am, is because of that accident, I've gone through my life since then, trying to 'earn' the right to have survived...YOu know what it's like to have your best friend die in front of you, and the guy that hit you die also, and then spend this many years blaming yourself, and not understanding why YOU were the one that survived, and not one of them...What have I done that's so great? Who have I helped? In what way do I make any difference in society that stands out from the crowd?I don't, and it seems no matter what I do, and no matter how well I can do anything, I never feel I've earned my right to live... I used to think I should live because my friend died, and I live for him, but now, it's like I've spent all this time doing what I've done with my time, and out of everything I've done, how well I've gotten at things, and how nice and helpful I've tried to be towards people, even if I didn't know them, I just can't 'Earn' my right to live...Does anyone know what I mean?I'm not trying to be emo, but I feel I don't have the right to live anymore. I'm still living, and I'm not saying I should die, it's just, why the hell did I survive that crash? What am I supposed to do to earn that?Nothing I can do will allow me to 'deserve' the sacrifice that was made for my life to continue, and it's like, if I can never earn that, then what the fuck am I supposed to do?I guess I'm done for now... And no, this isn't me being depressed and ranting, this is a look into the thoughts in my head... So don't try comforting me please, I don't want comforting and don't need it, I just need to let the shit in my head out a lil at a time, because if too much more of it builds up, my head will explode.