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venting

Posted 10-13-08 at 12:13 AM by spin
my aunt died and i found out last thursday
i love her dearly and nothing wll ever change that. but i cannot get myself to vent and even though i shouldn't be at school at all i'm going anyways, and i explode in randome bursts. now those bursts can be rage or crying.

for years i have been i guess trying to be noticed for something i'm good at other than martial arts, something that is me that people love, and if they don't i don't give a shit. and i finally have the oportunity on the 18th of this month. for night under the stars.

my aunts funeral is opn the 18th of this month in illinios. and my mom asked me if i wanted to go. and i told her no.

but i didn't tell her my reason. she knows how hard i have been trying to separate myself from my sisters rep. so she thinks i'm not going cause of the show. thats not entirly true.

i'm not going cause the last time i saw her she was happy and lively, i cant bare to see her in a casket it would kill me inside.

and i'm torn between the two.
i love my aunt cathy and she IS more inportant than the show. but i cant see her like that. i cant go and be in all that drama.i just cant.

and now my sister is totally guilt tripping me cause i chose not to go. and i dont know what to do. i hate it. why cant she leave me the fuck alone!?!?!?!
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i really get what you mean. i FOUND my grandmother and grandfather dead... a penny for a story

my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimers a long time ago, and my grandfather was a retiree from the navy. he had metal knee replacements and he fell on the stairs around the ripe age of 80. we had to put him in the bed because the hospital would just give him anisthetics to keep the swelling down. nothing more. so he lived for a couple more months, bed ridden. i hand fed him every meal of the day. but eventuallly the school year started, and i had to cram my schedule for him. i WANTED to. i woke up at 4 in the morning, spent an hour at their house feeding him, went to school, came back to feed him again, and by 6-7 o'clock i fed him supper, sometimes helping him onto the toilet(he used a portable in his room, because his legs wouldnt allow him to walk to the bathroom), and giving him his showers. but he KNEW he was going to die and stopped eating. that night my father, mother and i, went to his house to give him a shower, lifting him from the bed. that night i think he passed out from the pain, and the next morning as i went to go feed him... he had died.


my grandmother was well off, since she had alzheimers, she didnt know her husband was dying. she later fell in the tubs and hurt her leg too. it was swollen three times its size, and we couldnt take her to the doctor either, she probably would have died of fright. but eventually she did like her husband and was put to the bed as i took care of her, relating back to the 4o'clock reutine. she held on with courage and god for about a year, never once thinking she was going to die. she didnt even know whom my mom was, and thought she was a 10 year old!. but one morning, as such a motif would have it, i found her dead. i promised myself that i wouldnt cry... but my mothers face... was too much to bear.

i relate, i guess... i just want to make you feel better...
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Posted 10-25-08 at 02:38 PM by drema
 
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